Let your heart rest

An essay on body wisdom

***TW for talk of eating disorders and weight fluctuations***

I’ve gained and lost a lot of weight in my life, sometimes because of eating disorders, sometimes stress, sometimes injuries, sometimes self-medicating the migraines, sometimes because exercise becomes a project or special interest for awhile. What I’ve learned about myself and my body is that diets — any kind of restriction or limitation on food — will backfire 100% of the time. Focusing on achieving or maintaining a weight I’ve decided in my brain that I should weigh does not mean anything to my body. She’s going to do her own thing, take care of us and protect us with her own best wisdom, regardless of charts or pounds or BMI. And she’s wiser than me, anyway. (I mean, she is me, but you know what I mean.)

But I’m human, and I’m a woman who grew up in a deeply fat-phobic time, and internalized so much of that message. And, I’m currently in a season where I am losing weight, because I’m finally able to exercise again after four years of chronic injuries. It’s hard not to focus on the weight loss, but I know that it’s not healthy for me to make that my goal, at least my main goal. So I try to focus on getting strong, on meeting my mobility goals post-hip-replacement.

And, because I love numbers and statistics and I love challenging myself, I try to find non-size-related milestones to hit. Bringing my cholesterol down, for example. Taking more steps than I did last month. And, one which I just met: lowering my resting heart rate to 60. I didn’t need to — anywhere between 60 and 80 is normal for an adult. But it was fun and had multiple aspects — not just exercise but meditation and deep breathing, all of which help with mood regulation as well.

But I also have grace for myself. I still have a lot to learn and unlearn about taking care of my mind and body, and fat-phobia isn’t shed in a day. I think most of us have mixed feelings and frustrations in this area. And, as I say over and over again, shame is entirely unproductive, whether it’s shame about your body or shame about not being a better feminist or fat activist.

Be gentle, friends. Deep breaths. Let your heart rest.

Love,
Jessica

---

---